Jed just told me,

"I'll skew your sense of right and wrong."


thank you, thank you.

so i'm IMing with my step-sis again
and we're talking about the atrocities of bfs and gfs

and she makes the comment:

stepsis (10:43:17 PM): i like stuffed animals
stepsis (10:43:22 PM): they dont even poop

isn't she fantastic?

Well, this is *live journal* so i figured now would be as good a time as ever to have a big 'ole rant fest. this is my form of ranting:




Today, my mom told me that i'm not worth the tuition they pay for my school.

i kinda sliced a chunk off my shin.

i'm not eating dinner tonight because i can't stand to put anything into my body that she's touched, and because i know how much food costs and i don't want to waste any more of her money.




done.

SO i just came back from the checkov play "the seagull" and had this conversation with my step-sis

me (10:52:13 PM): fucking seagulls
me (10:52:19 PM): *snigger*
step-sis (10:54:33 PM): lol so how were the fucking seagulls
me (11:01:50 PM): VERY depressing
me (11:01:57 PM): it was like a cross between jane austin and poe
me (11:02:06 PM): and i don't mean the one that's bumping uglies with tinkey winkey
step-sis (11:03:34 PM): yikes
me (11:04:00 PM): mmm
me (11:04:07 PM): i feel very poetic now

*that* is my mood

So I'm sitting here, reading NCIS fan fics, and i slide into that place i sometimes do where most of my skin feels kinda numb, and i can only feel things with my bones, where my brain feels condensed into such a small space behind my eyes and my eyes themselves are drifting in and out of focus and my lower back is sinking deep into the center of the earth and my thighs and knees seemingly rising towards the heavens. and i can feel myself floating on the edge of existence in a way that makes me stop breathing.

Apparently, lots of people try to find this place.

For some it's called "subspace" and is reached by being totally at another person's mercy and having enough adrenaline, dopamine, and endorphines running through you to remove you from reality all togather. Subs get this by being tied down and beaten, whipped, fucked, teased, and abused until their bodies can't take it any more and just surrender. I don't like pain.

Junkies use substances to get a "high" like this. they use hallucinogens to bring themselves out of reality and downers to calm them and make them not think about the consequences. Alcoholics drink themselves into a stupor. All of those things give me migraines.

Athletes work until their bodies produce these chemicals, or the rhythmic thudding of their shoes on pavement hypnotizes them and they can just loose themselves in the burn of their muscles. I have hip displasia, and can't do most exercises.


I've found a different way of fufiling my need for release. This complete relaxation. Trance in the background, my body positioned so that my blood can flow, but not easily to my brain, and casually letting my eyes drift over someone else's experiences and letting their euphoria and pain and please become one with my own.

In this moment, my inner muse is unleashed, and unless the spell is broken, i can become the true and better me.

How Does it Feel? Chapter 3

Rating: some kissy kissy stuff, PG – 15

Warnings: Spoilers for basically everything

Pairings: Jack/Ianto referred to CONTAINS OMC

Disclaimer: Not mine, T-T

Summary: What do you do with a problem like Daniel?

previously on TORCHWOOD:

The boy that the team found at a New England boarding school turned out to have been controlling their emotions and once, Jack found this out he barged into Ianto’s apartment (where the boy was spending the night) and shot the boy

 

 

 

 

Thanks much! I hope the delay wasn’t too awful and please, if there are issues, comment. I had trouble with convincing the form that I did, in fact, want paragraphs in my story… ~grunt~ oh well! Have fun!

How Does it Feel?

Chapter 2 
Rating: PG-13 for reference to Janto
Warnings: Spoilers for basically everything
Pairings: Jack/Ianto referred to CONTAINS OMC
Disclaimer: Not mine, T-T
Summary: The team is beginning to realize...something is wrong. 
Thank you Joey for the comment, it is very much appreciated.
Also, gratzee to my awesome beta Digital_flowers 

/// Previously, on TORCHWOOD ///
(http://avayanox.livejournal.com/992.html)
The team has been alerted to an intriguing presence in America by Mainframe.  Upon picking up a rater normal boy (by the name of Daniel) from a New England prep school they fly directly back to the Hub.  Along the way they talk to the boy and his outstanding normalcy strikes them all as a bit strange.  Owen checks him out and to their surprise, he is healthy, normal, and human.  Now...

Jack was having a restless night.  Normally this would be because he was fretting about the Doctor, the Darkness, the Sorrows of Immortality, work, play - any number of things. All those things were normal.  Jack was fretting because some things seemed to be quite abnormal.   






.
(Chapter three is almost done, comment plix <3)
~caz

~~~  This is not a crossover, the Guardians is not another TV show/ book / whatever.  They’re a part of the story; so don’t give up in the first paragraph, kk?
This is a torchwood fic, and despite how much I would /like/ to own those hotties, un unfortunately doesn’t work that way.  So! Unless someone wants me to pay me for this, I’m so not making any money off it *pout*. 
So yeah, gay sex and all that.  Ianto/Jack/OMC….
Uhm…. What else… oh yeah, there’s some SERIOUS teenage anxt being worked out with this one, so it gets kind of  creepy at times. 


How does it feel?



His head was resting on his arm, eyes vaguely studying his teacher from behind glasses, looking over the frames, obviously bored.  His eyes were glazed, and any onlooker could tell that he was only vaguely absorbing what the teacher said.  Meanwhile, all he could think was: ‘I really don’t understand why she won’t let on that she’s a Guardian.  I mean… she’s been hinting at it for months now.  She practically recited their oath during class one day.  Besides she ASKED me who I thought were the “Guardians of Knowledge” it can’t get much more obvious than that.’ 
But he was interrupted. 

By swing.

so
i'm a fic!nerd and a psy!nerd and a TON of other things so basically thi'll be my dumping grounds for a while while i spy on my teachers and read LOTS of fan ficlettes.

so while i'm rediculously bored and trying to get over my writers block, i may lurk arround here for a while.  oh.... and yeah.... i should get a slave to bata my thoughts for me so i don't end up with so many squiggly red lines *glares at the squiggly red lines* dumb.

TTYL!! MUCH LOVE!!
<3
caz